Saint James College Seminary
SMILE !! (Edited by Professor Charlie Chuclkes)
Stories that we have told no one (Or dreamed of
late in the night and we simply couldn't make them
Bagpiper late for the funeral!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back country. And, as I was unfamiliar with the
backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop
for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the
funeral director had evidently left, and the hearse was nowhere
There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were
eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and saw
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart
and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I had never played before for this homeless man. And as I played
"Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, and I wept; we all wept
together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for the car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus,
I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for over twenty
Couldn't complete this home visit!
This is one of those once-in-a-lifetime things, something you can tell only your very
best friends...and even then...you can't be sure they'll believe you! I'm a social work
professor here at Saint James College but I help out with a home visitation agency
here in town. Recently, I had to visit a family that had been evicted by the owner of the
home they rented. Not for lack of payment, but because they "had to go" to make way
for a new development. Having what I thought would be a good address, 613 Adams
Road, just off the main highway, I climbed into my car and drove out there, hopeful for
a helpful meeting with the family.
Only, the address simply was not on the street. Just a vacant lot that looked like a
construction site, all dug up.
Somewhat disappointed, I decided to return to town along a different route.
Up ahead of me, I saw the flashing amber lights of a slow-moving vehicle that said
"Over-sized Load." It was a house being moved from one location to another. Groan.
Grumbling at the delay, I pulled up close to the huge truck that was trundling a large
farmhouse down the roadway at a snail's pace. As I drew closer, I almost couldn't
believe my eyes!
Above the door of the truck-borne house,
clearly visible, were the numbers, 613 --
the very house I was supposed to visit !!!
There was "nobody home," of course, but I "Couldn't conduct the home visit because the subject house was rolling down the
can only imagine the puzzlement of the
agency's supervising psychiatrist when he
read on his Result of Home Visit form the
It's not just professors...undertakers see weird stuff, too!
Our Certified Professional Chaplaincy program draws Fast-Track adult learner
students from a variety of backgrounds. One recent student is a licensed undertaker,
He sent us the following notice from our local cemetery that seems to be the perfect
candidate for this humor webbpage:
"We regret to announce that Hillside Cemetery will be forced to increase its rates
for burials. This is due to increases in the cost of living."
There was a joint revival in our town, co-hosted by Methodists, Baptists, and the
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10
biggest trouble makers!"
Social Workers and Time
A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know. I'm not wearing my watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."
The day Satan came to Sunday services
About halfway through the service, there was a sudden thunderclap, a flash of light the
pulpit, and a horrid odor of sulphur. Amazingly, there stood the devil, all leathery,
horns, and evil eyes glowing.
The terrified preacher was the first one to dive through a window to safety. The
congregation members pushed and shoved and tripped over one another as they
scrambled screaming toward the door.
All accept one old women who sat in the front row wearing white gloves, hands folded
calmly in her lap.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??!!" the devil screeched.
Continuing, he hissed evilly, "I AM SATAN, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS!"
Not losing her composure, the elderly woman looked Satan right in the eye and said,
"I'm not afraid of you. I've been married to your brother for 66 years."
A Preacher's dying wish
As an old preacher was dying, he sent a message for his banker and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to the dying minister's bedroom.
As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned
for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands,
sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Frankly, both the banker and lawyer
were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with
him during his final moments...and they were also a bit confused. The
preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked
either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable
sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made
them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus
died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of
"Where would you like to sit, ma'am?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please." she answered.
"Oh, trust me, you really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor
is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No, ma'am" he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good", he answered.
A Blip during Mental Health Counseling
I'm a social work professor here at Saint James College Seminary's Department of
Social Work and Counseling. Recently, I was visiting a client in one of the few mental
health facilities still in existence.
I was having a conversation about the client with his psychiatrist.
We were discussing whether or not it was time to discharge the client. I asked, “How
do you determine if a patient is healthy enough to be released?”
The psychiatrist responded, saying:
“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them both a spoon and a
cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
“I see,” I said, feeling pretty clever, “the healed person would choose the cup because
it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”
“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “a healthy person would simply pull the plug.”
Which is less popular...lawyers or politicians?
We have a program that teaches Paralegal skills and it's taught by an attorney. Our
Ethics courses are taught by people from different professions, one of whom is a fairly
well-known local political figure.
The lawyer and the politician are often at each other's throats, good naturedly, of
One day recently, the two were having lunch in the Professors' Cafeteria and the
attorney delivered a characteristically low-blow remark to his politician friend.
The politician, weary of being attacked by the attorney, even in good fun, shot back,
saying that "lawyers aren't one bit better than politicians!"
"Well, sir," said the politician, "I heard that both a lawyer and a politician were hit by
cars on the same day. But, at least the after lawyer's accident, the police found skid
Hi, my name is Nina Pindeau, Paralegal and former student at Saint James College
Seminary Our office does a lot of medical stuff, malpractice as well as serious injury.
We specialize in assisting under-served folks who have very few financial resources.
I think you guys will get a chuckle out of some of these! I found this memo pasted in
our office kitchen and thought you might enjoy it:
Subject: Proper Descriptions of Patient Conditions
It has come to our attention that pur paralegals, clerks, and even the attorneys
themselves have had their narratives have taking a decidedly creative direction lately.
Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following:
Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart),
PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to
vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug overdose are not considered
Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
A potpourri of brief thoughts:
Hi, my name is Pastor Martha Quinlan, a graduate of your seminary. Thought you'd get
a kick out of these (left on my desk this morning by my staff):
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A lot of big
holes in Australia
- Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the
time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster
than any of yours. He can throw a 90- mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound
and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from
his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine.
My dad works for the state Health Department, and even though he works every
day until 4:00 p.m., he gets home at 3:30!"
- Giving a fairly well-known local judge his physical, a doctor noticed several
dark, ugly bruises on His Honor's shins, so he asked, "Judge, do you roller
blade, play soccer soccer, or any physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife," said the judge, soberly.
Free Professional Advice at Parties
Hi, Debbie Brewer, MSW. I heard this when I went back to my hometown last weekend
and thought you might like it:
An old childhood friend went to medical school and became a physician. As it turned
out, we were both invited to the same party and, while we there, our conversation was
repeatedly interrupted by people who described all their various medical problems to
my doctor friend...and they asked me a seemingly-endless string of social worker
questions about troubled marriages, misbehaving children, and so forth.
The requests for free medical and free counseling advice continued for about two
hours. Finally, I must admit, I was getting perplexed. I asked my doctor friend,
"what do you do to stop people from asking you for free medical advice outside the
The doc said, "Oh, I go ahead and give them whatever advice they ask for, and then I
send them a bill...."
His answer was funny and I was amused...until...returning to my home to my own city
and my office...a few days later when checking my mail, there...was a bill from the
Here is one very clever lawyer!
Dear Saint James College,
I have read the letters from your former students and others on your great website. I
thought you might appreciate this true story that I witnessed while in court on another
matter in my role as a chaplain.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
Oh no, not another lawyer joke!
Hello! My name is Sue Quinlan and I am an independent attorney. During a rate bit of
spare time yesterday, I Googled the term, "Lawyer Jokes".
I found this and, even though I think that many of us in our profession are good and
noble people, I thought it was too good to pass up:
"What do a Malpractice Insurance Agent and a sperm have in common?"
"Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being."
As the pastor stood at the rear of the church greeting parishioners following the
service, a woman stepped up and thanked him for his sermon.
"I found it so helpful," she said.
The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard
"Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman.
"Well," said the minister, "the sermon you heard that Sunday lasted you three months."
Is her back really injured? Hmmm... REALLY?
My name is Gini and I am a counselor. I'm moderately insistent that clients keep their
scheduled appointments, partially because it keep our office running on an even keel
and partially because people can't heal if they aren't responsible enough for their own
lives to show up when they're agreed to do so.
But, on this particular day, a client whom I'll call Wanda (not her real name) called in to
say that she had very seriously injured her back. She said that she was in so much
pain that she couldn't get out of bed. The told my secretary that she wondered how she
was going to manage to eat dinner because she was that laid up.
Since she was supposed to be my last client of the day, and feeling sorry for Wanda, I
left the office early and stopped at a rather nice restaurant in our town and had them
put together a nice "to go" box. Then, I swung by Wanda's, hoping to be of some
assistance to her.
Remember, this woman was supposed to be suffering from a severe back injury,
which "kept her" from keeping her counselling appointment.
As I pulled into her driveway, I could hardly believe my eyes.... The "injured" Wanda
was in her front the yard swinging a pick-ax to move a somewhat large stone from her
flower garden. Clearly, her back was not injured and, do you know what? I turned my
car around and headed home without a word.
That take-out dinner that I had intended for the "pain-wracked" Wanda? Ummm...it
tasted really great as I sat in my rocker in front of the fireplace!
You're just hungry....
A little girl complained to her mommy that she had a stomach ache. Her
mother said, "well, Honey, that's because it's lunchtime and you're hungry.
Your tummy is just empty. You'll be fine after you put something into it."
A couple of evenings later, the family's pastor and his wife were invited to
dinner. As everyone was making small talk before going to the dining
room for the meal, the minister put his hand on his temples and said, "I'm
sorry. It's just that I suddenly have a terrible headache!"
The little girl stepped up to the minister and said sweetly: "That's okay,
Pastor. It's just because your head is completely empty. You'll feel better
if you put something in it...."
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